Video games feature more scantily-clad women than a ladies’ gym changing room, and worse excuses than a cameraman hiding there in the corner. The average male hero’s costume could outfit an entire football team of female characters, and then the designers would replace the field with a mud-wrestling pit during a rainstorm and a particularly jiggly earthquake. Which would still be fine if they were making Jiggly Mud-Wrestling 2016. But instead we get ridiculous bullshit about how issuing women three shoelaces as a uniform is nothing to do with sex.

#6. Metal Gear Solid V: Quiet

The Costume:

Her gun gets more cloth for its holster

Metal Gear Solid V is set in 1984. Most ’80s action heroes wore more cloth on their foreheads and biceps than Quiet does on her entire body.

The Excuse:

Creator Hideo Kojima crowed that her costume’s explanation was so good it would make people feel bad about mocking him.

Translation: “I’ll show you. I’ll SHOW YOU ALL (her tits).”

The explanation? Quiet was burned almost to death. Great start! She only survived thanks to parasites making her photosynthesize and breathe through her skin. She must remain nearly naked at all times, or she’ll suffocate. And if she ever speaks English, the parasites will start multiplying to kill her and every other English speaker in the world.


Why That’s Bullshit:

She can totally wear clothes.

“What, this old thing?”

You can research the “Gray XOF” suit, but it’s expensive, occurs late in the game, and requires that you watch Quiet being tortured in a bikini. You need “Quiet’s Examination Report,” which comes from a cutscene in which she’s black-bagged, manacled, heavily electrocuted, and chemically burned in her boobkerchief.

Kojima brings his perfect woman clothes-shopping

This costume isn’t a cheat or DLC; it’s researched the same way you get new guns and tools. You can absolutely clothe Quiet, but Kojima wanted to make sure you took a good long look at her jiggling in agony first.

It’s more kinds of bullshit than an organic fertilizer research station. If she has to expose skin, why doesn’t she know about sports bras or swimsuits? Why don’t we have any burly dudes infected by the parasites marching into combat in posing pouches? Because you can equip Big Boss, the main character, with the same parasites to gain special abilities. Let’s see how that looks.

That doesn’t look like a mankini.

Huh. And there was a photosynthetic guy in Metal Gear Solid 3, set 20 years earlier. Let’s see how he dressed:

Still no Ram-Borat thong.

It’s almost as if the guys don’t need to get naked.

Kojima’s excuse is so much worse than a girl soldier just giggling that the armor doesn’t go with her high heels. At least that kind of character makes her own choices, enjoys herself, and is allowed to talk without ruining the world. If there’s a Nobel Prize for misogyny, Kojima just won it. The only reason Quiet doesn’t yell “FUCK THIS” is because she was designed by a man. Who was thinking the exact same words while doing so.

#5. Soul Calibur V: Ivy

The Costume:

This is the most she’s ever worn, and it still looks like she’s already lost most of a blade fight.

Ivy is the most infamous Soul Calibur combatant — the woman who arrives for bladed combat despite looking like she could be popped by a pointed stare. And being almost explicitly designed to attract exactly that.

The Excuse:

By Soul Calibur V, Ivy is 49 years old in the series’ world. Why does she still look like she’s generating her own gravity instead of sagging under it? Because the evil Soul Edge is keeping her young.

Why That’s Bullshit:

The Soul Edge is a daemon sword soaked in blood which infects its wielder’s mind to turn them violently insane. This cursed blade is the crux of every character’s quest, and has done nothing for four games but murder, drive people insane, and corrupt them with evil power. It transforms characters into daemonic monsters, and even major series antagonists.

The Soul Edge: a huge fleshy wrinkled prong with a big eye on one end.

Apparently, the evil blade of endless horror part-times as a plastic surgeon’s scalpel for Ivy. Because she’s needed for advertising.

Yes, this looks like something a giant penis would craft

It could not be more obvious that they drew Ivy’s chest in first, then thought “Uhh, it was magic,” then realized they actually had a magic thing and genuinely thought that counted as a good idea. The developers also describe how Ivy’s new costume means she’s become “motherly.” Presumably because after a round of bouncing combat, she’d be able to dispense enough milkshakes for everyone playing.

#4. Xenoblade Chronicles X: Lin

The Costume:

In Xenoblade X, the only acceptable clothes are fetish outfits, swimwear, and giant robotic battle suits. Which would be awesome if it wasn’t for Lin, the 15-year-old prancing around in booty shorts and a top so cropped she could undergo major heart surgery without taking it off.

“Hi! Welcome to Super Creepy Robo Fighter!”

The Excuse:

The excuse here is that it’s still better than the original. The Lin you just saw is from the Western release. In the original Japanese version, she’s 13 years old and wears this instead:

“Konnichiwa! You are already under arrest.”

Even Lin’s voice actress was happy with the change. I repeat: Even the fictional character’s actress is glad she put some clothes on.

Why That’s Bullshit:

The Western version is unquestionably better, but the question is still, “How much naked child can we sell without getting arrested?” Because 15 is still felony-grade underage, and the “improved” top still looks like someone used a pervert’s eyes to aim spray paint.

Why not make her 18? Or put more clothes on her? Because this game is marketed on fetishes, including catgirls, amazons, schoolgirls, and nurses-wearing-one-medical-eyepatch (which I’m guessing is attractive to guys who know they could only even talk to girls who can’t see them coming). And on that big list of fetishes, Monolith Soft really wanted to tick off “underage schoolgirl.”

Read more: NewsarticleVideo games feature more scantily-clad women than a ladies' gym changing room, and worse excuses than a cameraman hiding there in the corner. The average male hero's costume could outfit an entire football team of female characters, and then the designers would replace the field with a mud-wrestling pit...Addicting and Fun You'll Never Be Done